Dating a married man

I have been seeing a married man for seven years. The whole time he has been telling me that he is going to leave his wife and he still hasn't. I love him dearly and have invested so much time into this relationship that I would hate to give up now. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I fear I have no choice. Something has got to change. What can I do to let him know that I am serious about wanting to be the only woman in his life?

~Anonymous.

The truth is that he's not going to leave her but there is an underlying issue that is much more important. He is a cheater. So, what you are asking me is, “how do I get a cheater to be committed to me?” And my answer is that you already have. At least to the extend that he is capable of being committed to anyone. He knows that he doesn't want to lose you but he is not willing to sacrifice, commit, or even inconvenience himself to give you the security you want.

I can envision you scanning this article looking for what you want to hear and I can promise you that you will not find it. It is not my purpose to tell you what you want to hear, it's my purpose to tell you what you NEED to hear. But the fact that you are looking is an important step, you know that you are in a desperate situation and you are looking for a way out. Unfortunately, you are not going to get out with what you think you want.

First of all, he is not going to leave her because he is getting what he wants. He has the security of his marriage and he has the excitement of having a woman on the side. Think about that in depth, let it marinate in your mind for a while. Now, for you, this has been a good thing. It has been filling something that you felt you needed without any effort on your part. In fact, it's more like the opposite of effort because with a married man, you not only don't have to call but shouldn't. So, I take issue with calling this a “relationship” when it, most likely started as an “arrangement” and now you are no longer happy with the terms.

Now, if this man requires the stability of a wife and the excitement of a girlfriend on the side, do you simply want to change your role? What I mean is, do you want to go from being the woman he is cheating with to the woman he is cheating on? That is exactly what is going to happen if you get what you think you want.

I can hear you saying, “But I'm different”. The fact is that you are not. You may be for the time being but once you become the person who he is committed to, that will change. You will no longer be the one who is providing him with the thrill of cheating, you will just be the one who gets cheated on. You will become the one who he is pretending to be committed to when you both know that he is simply not capable of being faithful.

What he has created here is a situation where you are competing with his wife. If you “Win” the competition, the prize is having a man who will cheat on you. Don't waste any more of your time trying to win him. The only real victory here would be for you to get out of this and move on with your life.

Could I have an STD

We learned about sexually transmitted diseases in school today. They said that we could have an STD and not even know it because some of them don't have any symptoms. Is this true or are they trying to trick us into admitting that we have had sex?

~Anonymous.

I'm going to answer your question and hope that you continue reading because there is more here to discuss than simply what you asked. Yes, like many other diseases, you could have an STD and not be showing symptoms.

I'll use the common cold for my example because it is similar to and more common than other infections. The symptoms that we notice are typically the bodies defense to an infection. The three most common symptoms are fever, swelling or congestion and fluid discharge. The fever is the bodies attempt to kill the germs with heat. The swelling or congestion is caused by the white blood cells rushing in to attack the germs. The fluid discharge is an attempt to flush the germs out with runny nose, vomiting, diarrhea, stuff like that.

So, you can have an infection and not show symptoms if your immune system doesn't notice the infection or the infection is just too small to worry about. In that case, you would be a carrier. The school is not trying to trick you into admitting that you had sex, they want you to be aware of something that can affect your health.

What is more important here is that you are turning to the Internet for this information rather than talking to your parents. This is something that you should be talking to your parents about and a great way to start the conversation is, “Here's what we learned in school today”.

If you are sexually active and are worried that you may have an STD, you should get  STD Tests. Some STDs, like chlamydia can cause permanent damage without treatment. Girls should begin seeing an OB/GYN once a year when they become sexually active. Girls are also at higher risk for contracting an STD because exposure to the bacteria is actually injected into her body. That may sound vulgar but it's the truth.

The best and most effective way to stay safe from STDs is to not have sex. If you learned about sex in school today, I'm guessing you are about 13 years old. At 13, I have to say that you are simply not ready for sex. You asked a question about sex which is a good thing but until you know all the risks, you aren't ready. Now, go talk to your parents.

Do you believe in global warming

The fact is that temperatures change, there are warming trends and cooling trends. When scientists look to explain what causes these trends, they have different theories based on their area of expertise. Environmental scientists would be inclined to believe that the trends are caused by environmental changes like the effects that pollution has on the ozone layer. Astrophysicists would be more likely to blame the solar flares that shoot out from the sun. The specialist you choose will give you the answer based on what he knows.

Considering that my area of expertise is construction, my theory is based on a measurement or an angle being off. The earth revolves around the sun in an elliptical pattern, this is what causes the change in seasons. During the winter, the earth is farthest from the sun and during the summer it is closest That's a fairly simple concept. What isn't a simple concept is what keeps the earth on that same course year after year. So, if the earth varies from that course, even a little bit, we would notice a change in temperature.

Now keep in mind that I am not a scientist so my numbers are more approximative and I'm not going to research this to find more exact numbers for a very good reason that I will get to later. The earth is traveling at about 1500 miles per hour and it still takes 365 days to get around that ellipse. That's a very big ellipse. What keeps the earth on this relative path is not set in stone either. It's not like there is a solid track holding it in place. Instead, it is hundreds of little factors like mass, velocity, gravity, etc. Now, if one of those factors deviates even a small fraction and the earth is off it's previous path by even a thousandth of an inch, it could be off by miles at the other end of that huge ellipse.

I didn't use accurate numbers because I don't think there are any. I don't think there is a way to precisely measure just how fast the earth is traveling or just how large that ellipse is or just how far the earth is from the sun at any given date. So I use rough numbers because they work better for this example. We can accurately measure the temperature on a given date but we can only roughly measure the distance from the sun. Until we can accurately measure any of these larger scale factors, all we have is theories as to what causes variations in temperature from year to year.

How can I be more social

I finished college and manged to land a great job. Now I am 26 years old and I feel very independent and secure because my grades and career where the only things that mattered to me and it paid off. The bad part is that while my college friends were partying, I was studying. I think I may have missed out because now I feel awkward at social events and don't know how to talk to people. Do you have any tips on how I can be more social?
~ Sarah

First I want to commend you on having your priorities in order and staying focused. You have made quite an accomplishment and you should be very proud. It takes a great deal of confidence to finish college with good grades and compete in a tough job market.

Now, you can use that same confidence to be very comfortable and successful in social settings. The nice thing about confidence is that, once you know how to use it in one area of your life, you can apply it to others. The next time you are at a social event think about it like you are at work. Talk to people as a way of establishing contacts with no other agenda. You're not trying to make friends or get asked out on a date. You're just letting people know that you are someone they can talk to.

Don't be afraid to break the ice. The best way to start a conversation is with a question that doesn't require a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Rather than asking, “Are you from around here?” ask them, “Where are you from?” Don't follow up with, “Do you like it there?” Instead you can ask, “What do you like the most about living there?”

Pay attention to your body language. If someone talks to you, turn to face them. Not just your head, your whole body. Show them that they have your complete attention. Open yourself up, don't cross your arms. That sends the message that you are trying to hide yourself. Position yourself in a well lit area, don't hide in the shadows. Face the crowd and show that you are participating in the event.

Remember, you are not alone. People are social creatures, we like when other people talk to us.

Ask Ekim for advice

Welcome to ekim941.blogspot.com if you are looking for advice on relationships, dating, parenting or anything else drop me an email at ekim941@gmail.com

I will try to answer all reasonable questions and possibly a few unreasonable ones as well.