Dating a married man

I have been seeing a married man for seven years. The whole time he has been telling me that he is going to leave his wife and he still hasn't. I love him dearly and have invested so much time into this relationship that I would hate to give up now. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I fear I have no choice. Something has got to change. What can I do to let him know that I am serious about wanting to be the only woman in his life?

~Anonymous.

The truth is that he's not going to leave her but there is an underlying issue that is much more important. He is a cheater. So, what you are asking me is, “how do I get a cheater to be committed to me?” And my answer is that you already have. At least to the extend that he is capable of being committed to anyone. He knows that he doesn't want to lose you but he is not willing to sacrifice, commit, or even inconvenience himself to give you the security you want.

I can envision you scanning this article looking for what you want to hear and I can promise you that you will not find it. It is not my purpose to tell you what you want to hear, it's my purpose to tell you what you NEED to hear. But the fact that you are looking is an important step, you know that you are in a desperate situation and you are looking for a way out. Unfortunately, you are not going to get out with what you think you want.

First of all, he is not going to leave her because he is getting what he wants. He has the security of his marriage and he has the excitement of having a woman on the side. Think about that in depth, let it marinate in your mind for a while. Now, for you, this has been a good thing. It has been filling something that you felt you needed without any effort on your part. In fact, it's more like the opposite of effort because with a married man, you not only don't have to call but shouldn't. So, I take issue with calling this a “relationship” when it, most likely started as an “arrangement” and now you are no longer happy with the terms.

Now, if this man requires the stability of a wife and the excitement of a girlfriend on the side, do you simply want to change your role? What I mean is, do you want to go from being the woman he is cheating with to the woman he is cheating on? That is exactly what is going to happen if you get what you think you want.

I can hear you saying, “But I'm different”. The fact is that you are not. You may be for the time being but once you become the person who he is committed to, that will change. You will no longer be the one who is providing him with the thrill of cheating, you will just be the one who gets cheated on. You will become the one who he is pretending to be committed to when you both know that he is simply not capable of being faithful.

What he has created here is a situation where you are competing with his wife. If you “Win” the competition, the prize is having a man who will cheat on you. Don't waste any more of your time trying to win him. The only real victory here would be for you to get out of this and move on with your life.